Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

I guess you could call me normal. Or sane, at least.

Most of the world is too weird to be called normal. Or maybe eird?is normal by today standards. But our city is an exception. Nothing weird here. No power-hungry masterminds scheming to take over the world. No mad scientists blasting up the place. No savage beasts escaping from the zoo and creating havoc. No macho super heroes jumping in just in time to save the day.

No thrills.

No nothing.

So that what I am. The typical kid. Obsessed with my hair. Obsessed with Backstreet Boys. Sick of school.

etsy!!?someone screeched.

I shook myself out of my stupor. od!?I prayed, hy can you make History a teeny bit more interesting??br> etsy!!?

omin? mom.?I said. nything to take my mind off that Stupid History test I studying for.?upposed to be studying for.? said a voice in my head.

eah, right.?I said, trudging down the stairs. Mom had all the dishes out on the kitchen floor, and was cleaning out the cupboards.

Mom turned when she heard me enter. etsy, what have you been doing??I did a double take. s that some sort of a trick question or something??I asked. Mom gave me a look and continued ave you cleaned up your room like I told you to??

h-oh. Double uh-oh.?I thought. e been so intrigued by my History textbooks that I completely forgot.?Pfftame. My lamest excuse, in fact.

m just about to start. Maybe Il just go up and?er?.?I said aloud. Mom like a cannon. You never know when shel blow up. And, trust me; you don want to be on the receiving end of her wrath. Seriously.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

What do I say..... I am stumped. Going by your profile u seem to be a teenager, and for someone your age this is great stuff. Don't be disheartened by critics, I tell you that's the easiest job ( finding fault with others work ) You go ahead you're doing great. I am sure you'll reach great heights and do yourself and your parents proud. God Bless and Good Luck.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

I don't think a teenage girl would have an inner voice that sounds like "Dirty Harry"

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

Entertaining...but put down the pipe.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

i'm not sure that it is the type of stuff that i would read, simply because it's just not my style; however, if i did read this kind of material, i would read this. it's pretty interesting for an opening, and it did catch my attention. what genre is it? i am curious to know. Good luck with this.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

No. It's not drawing me in. It's not cutting at me, it's not grabbing my emotions. Who cares about where she is sitting or that she's an orphan. Get right ot the action and show her reaction. This is called exposition. Save it for the transitions. Just right to something exciting to draw the reader in.

Some greaet beginnings:

Dean Koonz "Watchers"

Orson Scott Card "Enders Game"

O'Henry "The Green Door"

O'Henry "Conscience in ARt"

Barbara Smucker "INcredible Jumbo"

Mike Shayne "A Real Nice Guy"

Willis Harman and Howard Reingold "the introduction to Higher Creativiy"

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

Personally, I wouldn't. I like reading about actual weird people, or at least untypical people. With the girl being a normal kind of girl, the story seems like it will be quite predictable and uneventful...but that's just to me. There are plenty of people who like reading about people they can easily relate to.

It's well written though. You have excellent grammar, and I love the metaphor about the mum being like a cannon!

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

There is something about it that sounds false and forced. Like already I know that in this quiet little town, some aliens are going to land and carve crop circles in the lawn, or a blob is going to slip under the doors at the movie theatre. Or Bestsy is going to start carving Devil's Mountain out of her mashed potatoes. It just calls out to me "WATCH YOUR BACK BETSY!"

It needs some work. Some of the grammar and punctuation is off - but mostly I really get the feeling you are telegraphing some terrible incident.

If not, then it's going to be a very boring story LOL. Work on it. Pax - C.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

reads well so far . We all need another coming of age book that puts it's finger on the pulse of the time but yet can include the older generations & the ones to come

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

Ok, I'll play the critic, I'm good at it, I edit for a living.

I like your prose. You paint a nice picture. However, this sounds more like a character sketch more than the opening to a story.

Where is your story going?

Did you just stop short of including the thing that's going to grab my attention an make me turn the page?

Most importantly, why are you telling me all these things?

Think for a moment about the things you say you like in your profile. All of those stories tell you something about the story itself on the first page; they don't give the whole thing away, but they are all make strong declarations. Character development comes later.

Whatever you do, don't stop writing. It's becoming a lost art.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

I actually kind of liked it, and I'm a freelance book editor. I like young adult fiction with a twist. I hope this book is about an ordinary little town where something extraordinary is about to happen.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

I wouldn't continue reading if this was the opening. I am quite tired of self-conscious characters asking boring self-conscious questions about whether or not they are normal. Really, who cares? I'm not going to care about a character's sense of self-worth until that character has made me invest in them, and the first page is not long enough for me to invest anything in a character. For a truly great opening page try reading Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca.

Lines like 'The typical kid' just scream BORING. A typical kid? Great, there are billions of typical kids out there and they are the last thing I would ever want to read about. In addition I think books written by teenage characters in the first person need to have a real edge to them in order to be interesting, and this one doesn't.

Good luck and good on you for seeking criticism in order to improve. Just try to find a forum for criticism where you know the people criticising you actually have some idea of what they are talking about.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

This may seem like a stupid critique but the name Betsy doesnt really sit with me. Its a very old fashioned name - I dont know anyone under 50 called Betsy. So I think it would be more believable with a different name

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

Good beginning to a early teens book. Got my interest.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

I think this can turn out to be a really interesting story. What you should try to do is expand your descriptions. The characters their surroundings and the effects and emotions acting upon them. This can be something good, seeing as this seems to only be half of the intro, it seems unfair for me to judge whether i would read the entire book, but based on this, yes i probably would (^-^).

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

yes its verry catchy !!!!

whats it called so i can start reading it ?

it sounds good

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

yeah i think this is great! =) i would definitely read it! keep up the good work!

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

What changes from this eternal "normal"? Anything?

Is this a statement of the times, a journey, what?

If change is afoot, please alude to it. Like the editor said, it seems you stopped just short of letting us know 'the catch' when you were listing all the things that didn't happen around there.

Otherwise, the writing itself was excellent. No eye-snags, and there's a lot to be said for that.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

I think a lot of the comments you got were right on. At the same time, because I am a fledgling writer, I try to drill down because what I sense in what u have written is "a beginning."

There is a lot of emotional "content" that you have not "explored." What I mean by that is, for example, you describe your mom's reaction. you just dont' know when she will "blow up." How else could you say this and, if u r willing to explore the idea of how else to say this, how else would you say so much of what you said? How else would u say a lot of what you said? The feelings are there, the concepts are there. I just don't think you have quantified them in original voice.

Does this help?

I hope so.

I want to add, I think it's awesome that u have actually developed this text. It speaks to me. It tells me this is important to u. I feel like I can validate ur feelings...i.e, been there. Thanks for sharing.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

no... probably not. the writing is amateurish and unoriginal. Although, if you are writing a book for kids in the second to third grade range, it is probably good enough. Depending on the plot, which is not clear from this excerpt.

Final point:

Don't quit your day job.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

Yes because it is hooking me in.

Would you read a story starting off this way? You can play the critic?

Honestly, it didn't really draw me in. I may have read for a few more pages, maybe even a chapter, but deep in my heart I crave explosions and car chases.

I do, however, like the style of Betsy's inner voice. It's... Well, it reminds me a little of the early detective/film noir style.

Throw in a car chase and you're on your way. >.>